My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
