walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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