Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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