Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
