I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
