Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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