Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
