i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
