Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
