Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
