I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
