Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
