I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
