it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
