not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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