Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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