I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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