So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
