I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
