Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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