Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
