My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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