apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
