Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So. Much. Porn.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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