Don't make out with my wife yet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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