I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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