i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My ATM looks so different sober.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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