I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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