remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
