New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
