Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
