i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
