just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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