There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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