i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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