plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
