I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
