tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
