in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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