If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
how does that bad decision feel?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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