I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
