My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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