Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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