Cold hands, warm shart.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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