I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
