this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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