I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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