take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize