my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
