I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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