Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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