just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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