watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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