I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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