There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
