Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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