Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
