id be glad to
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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