Buhtt sex?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
