she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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