GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
