So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
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Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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