I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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