god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
