bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
