so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
