i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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